His Mystery
by It's Just That
Summary: Eventual Shounen-ai&yaoi Ever wondered where Tobi started? Well here you go, at the beginning, from point A to point B. Warning: cheesy jokes ahead!
1. In The Beginning

**DISCLAIM IT**: I don't own Naruto or its characters. All belongs to Masashi Kishimoto respectively.

**WARNINGS: **Shounen-ai, eventual yaoi, and TobiDei, SasoriDei. Other pairings to come, but it gets sort of boring putting all the pairings up.

**A/N:** Enjoy!

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In The Beginning…

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Tobi was having a bad day.

And as far as bad days went, this one was possibly, if not probably, worse than the other bad days combined. It had nothing to do with the fact that he was crushed underneath a pile of rubble! Oh _goodness _no!

It was _possibly _the fact that he was _under _a pile of rocks that ticked him off. For the life of him, Tobi couldn't fathom _how _or _why _he had gotten there in the first place.

All he remembered was being a Good Samaritan and--_WHAM! _ A big pile of rocks collapse all over the cave that he had _probably _tried to explore, before the whole 'Ahh, I'm buried under four feet of stone and can't remember a thing' incident occurred.

It was the principle that counted.

Tobi wiggled what was left of his not-so-very-crushed toes, then went on to checking the rest of his very-very crushed fingers. Ouch. That didn't feel too nice.

"Hello? Is anyone out there?" he called out, in a rather subdued voice. He learned from personal experience, that if one yelled too loudly in a cave, rocks would plummet and try to crush you alive. Not a very good religious experience, if Tobi had to be honest. It had happened to him twice, before he gave up on trying to yell himself hoarse.

"Hello? Hello?" he said again.

"--What do you want? **_Dumb brat_**," came a raspy voice that distinctly reminded Tobi of grating nails.

"Could you—I don't know, _possibly _get me out of here?" he asked, doing his best to sound like a pathetic little boy who didn't know what he was doing. Everyone liked pathetic, right?

"I'm sorry, but I don't know where you are. _**Can I eat you once I find you though**?_" said the stranger hopefully.

"Uhh—" Tobi looked vaguely horrified at the prospect of getting eaten by anything in particular.

The stranger sighed. "Nevermind. _**You probably taste nasty anyways**._"

Tobi immediately brightened. "Uhh—yeah! I'm nasty-flavored, so don't eat me—_SAVE ME_!" Tobi flailed desperately. "Save me, and all your wildest dreams will come true!"

"Really?" The man seemed dubious.

Footsteps reached Tobi, and he peered his one good eye up at the plant-like man who was named Zetsu.

Could he _really _say no to a person like him?

"…No," Tobi said. "But I can help you achieve them?" He sounded entirely too hopeful, giving the man a smile that made his bruised cheeks hurt.

Zetsu appeared thoughtful for a moment, then shrugged. "Good enough for me," he said, and helped Tobi out of his relatively (un)comfortable niche. It took a terribly long time until Tobi could actually feel the blood rushing back into his body, and magically, as if he was never under a pile of rocks for _x_ amount of time, stretched.

And almost popped sixteen ligaments.

"Ouch! Ouch! YOUCH!" he yelped, plopping bonelessly to the ground, right where his crushed body belonged.

"You're dumb," Zetsu said pointedly, doing some fancy hand seals and saving Tobi from an ultimate amount of pain. Even with the insult, Tobi felt something flutter in his chest.

It was official.

Tobi loved him and would have his babies.

Struggling to stand up, Tobi draped himself all over the plant-like man, then jumped back, hand over his nose.

He took it back. He didn't want to have Zetsu's babies! What kind of mother would want to have a father that had perpetually bad breath?

"Uh—what did you eat before coming in here and saving me?" he said, edging away from Zetsu. Tobi was later picked up like a bag of potatoes and slung over his right shoulder.

"Food." Zetsu walked them out of the cave, coming to pause in front of the cave's mouth and taking in the sunlight. Similar to a plant, Zetsu liked the sunlight a lot. In fact, he liked it better than eating humans, but he wouldn't tell anyone that. They'd probably tell him to grow roots or something.

Tobi was decidedly uncomfortable at Zetsu's silence.

"What kind of food?" he asked.

"Plant food."

"…Did that happen to be a stinking carcass?" Tobi found himself squinting at Zetsu, who shrugged.

He squinted again, this time at Zetsu's green hair, then squinted even more at the flies buzzing around the man's head.

"…"

Tobi certainly didn't put it past the man.

"Hey, do you know where you're taking me?" he asked IT, because he truthfully didn't know if the thing was human or not. He hoped it was.

"Yes. **_Back to Base Four_**." Because _everyone _knew that Base Four was better than Bases One, Two AND Three; but definitely not better than Base Five. That upset Zetsu, because four was his favorite number, and in his mind, should've been better than five.

"Oh," he said, and paused for a terribly long time. Then Tobi said, "What's your name? I didn't catch it earlier." Though he was perfectly comfortable hanging upside down, Tobi knew that there was nothing better than blood rushing to your brain. Okay, well, blood rushing to certain _other _body parts was better, but that was okay! Tobi could handle it!

"Zetsu," answered Zetsu. He walked a little way to the south and into a large misty area.

"Okay Zetsu, wanna know a joke?" Tobi asked it casually, only a teensy bit queasy from all the moving and jostling about.

"No."

"Are you sure?" he pestered.

"Yes. _No_."

"Yes or No?"

"…No." Zetsu looked pensive.

"Okay then!" Tobi giggled to himself. "Why is six scared of seven?"

A confused expression flit across Zetsu's multi-colored face and stayed cramped there. "Because six is smaller than seven?" he tried.

Tobi chortled. "Nope!" he said brightly. "Because seven eight nine!" he exclaimed, suddenly howling with laughter. His joke was a genius—no,_ he _was the genius! A Grade A genius straight from Heaven!

"Wanna know another joke?" he asked him.

Zetsu shook his head.

"No? Well too bad, here's another!" Tobi giggled. "What does a blond say after walking into a bar?"

Inside Zetsu's head, he was wondering if he was too old for jokes.

"……"

"That's right, 'ouch'!" Tobi guffawed, his laughter ringing out and about their silent area. It was all right for Zetsu to listen to the idiot boy giggle, but when it came to full-blown out laughter, that was just pushing it.

A vein popped.

"For the love of Jashin…"

In the blink of an eye, after Tobi had settled down from his second fit of laughter, a hand pinched his nose and nothing he could do would get it off. He tried biting the limb, sneezing on the limb, and spitting on the limb, but nothing worked. Tobi panicked.

Oh no! He couldn't breathe! He was gonna die! He wasn't going to ever have babies! He wasn't ever going to have a mid life crisis! He was just going to—_sleep now…_

Eyes growing heavy, he heard Zetsu grumble:

"And good riddance."

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**A/N: **oO Yeah. Pretty cool, huh? I wanted to make it a funny but serious fic. Er, well, rather witty, but I hope anyone can catch that, right? –Is hopeful-


	2. And Then

**DISCLAIM IT**: Nope. Don't own

**A/N: **I love you, my only reviewer. May God give you a plentiful chocolate harvest. :)

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And then…

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When he came to, Tobi was still slung on Zetsu's shoulder, head lolling to the side and nose bumping into the man's smelly old cloak.

Yuck, he thought, scrunching his nose up in disgust. The dirty black cloak with red clouds smelled like blood and dried herbs. It wasn't a very nice smell to wake up to, Tobi later realized with a gag. If he thought he was sick before, then he was definitely sick now!

"Hey, uh--Zetsu-san?" He prodded the man's back with an annoying finger.

"…You're awake now. **_Damnit_**," said Zetsu, quickening his pace. He didn't want to hear the boy chattering his ear off again. It was horrible the first time, but the second time? He didn't really want to relive the experience.

"Ooooph! W-waittttt, Zetsu-san!" Tobi wailed, flailing his arms and legs about like a little boy. "I wanna walk, I wanna walk!"

"…Why?" Zetsu was a bit suspicious.

"Because you wouldn't want me to hurl all over your cloak and ruin it, do you?" said Tobi smartly, though he was turning green with every passing second. When Zetsu refused to do anything other than walk, Tobi had to use his secret arsenal of blackmail. He usually reserved it for important situations, but he had to make an exception this time.

"I promise not to tell anymore jokes."

That stopped Zetsu.

"You better make it written in blood," the man grumbled.

Reluctantly, and with a healthy amount of paranoia and trepidation, Zetsu set him down and stared. It was a stare that caused the hairs on the back of Tobi's neck to rise at an alarming rate.

"I--"

"You?" Zetsu immediately cut in.

Tobi laughed nervously, as the stare suddenly morphed into a type of glower that read: '_Annoy me and you'll find yourself deep inside my digestive tract before you can even utter so much as a meep_'. It left little to Tobi's overactive imagination.

"Ahah-ahhh…" He shifted nervously next to the plant-like man. "I just wanted to know if you took baths, Zetsu-san," he said, a little sad that his Savior had so little faith in him.

Zetsu scratched his chin in thought, pulling Tobi away from a tree that he was about to run into. Tobi either took no notice of that little tidbit, or he was just really, _really _stupid.

"Hm. **_Do you mean submerging myself in water and cleaning the dirt off my body_**?" he asked, perplexed. Most of the time, Zetsu was perfectly content to sit in the rain, or get sprinkled with water from the ignorant villagers that tended their gardens. They usually thought he was an exotic plant of some sort, so he got good soil and—

Wait—no. He didn't enjoy their gardening, not at all!

Zetsu's uncomfortable silence proved Tobi's point.

His Savior never bathed. That was a sad concept to behold.

At length, after his rather disappointing discovery, Tobi said, "Yeah. Submerging and cleaning or something like that." He paused, a vital thought crossing his mind. "You…you don't do that in front of people, do you?" he asked.

"Do you mean regular plants and not those disgusting vermin that I eat for my dinner?"

Tobi tried hard not to look sick. "Yes, regular plants, Zetsu-san." _And not people, please._

There was another bout of silence, before Zetsu replied in a rather terse voice, "No. **_I don't bathe in front of others_**."

That was when Tobi looked decidedly better. "Well, that's relieving!" he beamed. Because he wasn't sure that anyone would want to see Zetsu naked. Not that Zetsu was unattractive or anything! It just...well, Tobi was sure that not even the sickest and perviest of people would want to see his Savior naked. And _that_ was sadly a fact.

"……"

"Do you like baths, Zetsu-san?" Tobi cranked his smile up to 1000-watts.

Zetsu frowned. "…**_I like water._**"

"…Oh."

It was then that Tobi tripped over a pebble, somehow catapulting himself straight into a nearby tree.

Zetsu ignored him and continued walking.

It took a while, but Tobi eventually got all the splinters off his face and jogged after his Savior. "Hey, hey! Wait! Wait up, Zetsu-san!"

For a person that was buried under a pile of rocks for most of the day, Tobi certainly didn't look or act like it! With a mop of unruly black hair gracing his head, Tobi practically pranced after Zetsu, grinning a grin that he would, sooner or later, be known for. He had smooth white skin, hazel eyes, and cheeks that had a tendency to dimple every so often.

He also had a wicked set of scars that ran past his arms, neck, shoulders—everywhere it seemed! But that was okay. Nobody would ever see _him _naked, right?

Right. Keep telling yourself that, Tobi.

He scuttled behind Zetsu, surreptitiously peering over the man's shoulder. They were approaching a clearing, which was devoid of all trees and animal life. Though it was creepy and a little disconcerting, Tobi followed Zetsu onto the eerie pathway with glowing white flowers.

Was this really the way to Base Four?

"You," Tobi said, with all the authority he could muster.

Zetsu ceased walking, then craned his head to him.

"--What?"

"Take me to your leader!" His expression deadly serious, Tobi almost shocked Zetsu. Almost. If it weren't for the fact that Zetsu was rather used to dealing with idiots all the time, he probably would've been. But sadly, they came with the job description.

Instead of chuckling or laughing, Zetsu did the unthinkable: he flicked Tobi. Square on the forehead.

Head snapping back, Tobi blinked, registering the pain a split second later.

"Owww!" he yowled. "That _hurt_ Zetsu-san! What was that for?"

"You said you wouldn't tell anymore jokes."

"What? But that wasn't a joke!" Tobi said, huffing. "And I don't remember promising anything like that! When was it?" he asked, rubbing his forehead. It still throbbed and spasmed under his fingertips.

Zetsu tried hard not to glower. His newly acquired protégé suffered from mild retardation. He instantly recognized the symptoms: they weren't that hard to ignore.

"…A few miles back. **_You dumb lout_**," he grunted.

Damn.

Tobi's shoulders slumped, already quite used to Zetsu's weird and insulting lingo. "Oh."

"Yes, 'oh'."

"…I'll tell you a good one?" Tobi smiled encouragingly at his Savior.

"No."

"_Awww_! Please Zetsu-san! I promise it won't be corny or anything!" he whined. "It'll be just like old times—excepting that I've only met you today, and that, well, I've never actually spoken to someone like you—but that's all right! We can get along just fine! Differences make people easier to like after all!"

"..."

Zetsu was mildly disturbed.

With that look granted, it was time for Tobi's cue. "Okay, since you aren't talking, I'll just have to assume that you said—"

"_**No**_," said Zetsu firmly. He sure as hell didn't want to listen to Tobi prattle. A man could only take so much before going insane (not that he wasn't already).

"Pleaseeee?" Tobi wheedled.

"No."

"Aww, come on, Zetsu-san!"

In the blink of an eye, the tall plant-like man turned on Tobi and advanced, slowly pressing him up a tree. Hissing into his face, Zetsu spat, "Here, I'll tell you a joke—"

"Eww, Zetsu-san, not that close!"

"……"

Zetsu hung his head up in defeat, releasing his very stupid protégé. He turned, like a man on a mission, and stomped away, hoping against all odds that the baffoon behind him wouldn't follow. But as all sayings go: _monkey see, monkey do_. And Tobi definitely did the do.

Vowing to himself that this would be the first, and very last time he'd ever be desperate enough to choose someone like Tobi; Zetsu stalked away, glad that his protégé was for once, _not _talking.

"--Ouch!"

Zetsu almost cried.

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**A/N: **If I made a limerick, would you please review me? Oo

I only wanted a simple review,  
Is that really so hard to refuse?  
With these lines and wit,  
And the ever-increasing spit;  
Spare me please, five minutes or two.

_SEE_? The brilliance! –Claps- And yes, I did make that from the top of my head. xD


	3. It Continued Until

A/N: I was sorta guilted to update this LOL. I mean, it is summer and I should write some more but I am so damn lazy. Sigh.

As you can see by my (lack of) updates, I'm not a very good updater unless guilted…so… here's the latest chapter, _**Tobi X Deidara Forever**_. Thank you for getting me off my lazy arse xD. I love you, chuuu~!

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It continued until

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By the time they made it halfway to Base Four, Zetsu was sure he'd died twice that day—once by corny jokes and the second by Tobi tightly clinging onto him (meaning the idiot nearly strangled him for most of the walk). Zetsu had no idea how he'd survive the rest of the trip back to the Base.

In fact, he was sure the cause of his multiple deaths was walking behind him, doing something that would probably result in his imminent demise.

Or something similar to that.

Well Zetsu's fears weren't that far off, since Tobi was scuttling everywhere, looking at the glowing white flowers lighting the path and 'oohing and awwing'. Tobi decided to pick a few flowers to check if Zetsu-san and his future Boss (Tobi really hoped the man liked jokes) would like him and was currently plucking the petals as he walked, crying every time the flower ended with a, "He hates me!" It often ended with a 'He hates me!' but Tobi wasn't one to give up. Ever.

"He loves me…"

Zetsu walked faster. Tobi followed.

"He loves me not…"

A glowing petal flew to the tip of his nose and Zetsu sneezed it off. He was somewhat allergic to these underground flowers—and for good reason: they were parasitic flowers that ate anything within reach. They also had a tendency to cause welts on the skin, similar to that of poison ivy. Zetsu was sure his nose was as red as a tomato by now.

"He loves me…"

Tobi sniffed when he came to the last petal, eyes watering and mouth trembling,

"He loves me not! Uwaaah! Zetsu-san hates me!" Tobi wailed, dropped the rest of the parasitic flowers and threw himself at Zetsu, who inwardly wondered why he was putting up with the idiot and his antics—

Oh yeah. The moron survived being smothered by rocks. Only someone that had potential could do that.

Though Zetsu wasn't altogether too sure that Tobi had any…

Instantly dropping him, Zetsu looked mildly perturbed at how Tobi rolled around on the slimy floor, hugging his arms to his chest and crying. What Tobi didn't realise was that they weren't in a clearing, per se. They were actually in a cave, genjutsu'd into a clearing so that no one would be able to find the entrance to the Base.

Zetsu scowled.

"You disgust me. _**Idiot, the floor was dirty**_," said Zetsu.

Tobi wailed some more.

"Waaah! He really hates me! _Uwaaah~!_"

Eye twitching, Zetsu made sure to pick the idiot up by the scruff of his dirty clothes and throw him over his shoulder. He knew, without a doubt, that his fear of his protégé suffering from extreme retardation was true. Hell, the idiot didn't even realise his hands were all red and blistered from the flowers.

"Zetsu-saaaaan!" Tobi cried out, beating his hands onto Zetsu's back. "You stink! Don't you ever wash your clothes? I mean, I probably haven't washed my clothes for a long time, seeing as though I've been under the weather lately—but you have no excuse, Zetsu-san!"

Zetsu silently counted to ten.

Tobi went on:

"Really, Zetsu-san! When we arrive at that Base of yours, I'll make sure to do all your laundry and make some food for you! Real food! It'll be really good, 'cos the only things I remember from before I got squished by those rocks were how to cook food. Cool, right?" Tobi beamed and Zetsu resisted the urge to bash him on the head with a rock. Repeatedly.

Instead, Zetsu grunted and Tobi took that as a sign of acknowledgment—or encouragement to talk more. Tobi was sure it was probably to talk more. So he did.

"Remember how we talked about baths earlier, Zetsu-san?" Tobi's eyes shined with unholy enthusiasm and Zetsu tried not to appear uncomfortable. This level of eagerness was sort of disturbing him, but he would never ever admit it out loud. That would make it seem like Tobi affected Zetsu and he didn't want the moron to know it.

"Weeell?" Tobi grinned up at him.

Zetsu inclined his head.

"Okay, so, I know you like water and that you don't bathe in front of people, but since you're something like a plant and stuff, what happens when you get caught up in the rain?" Tobi looked extremely curious—well, as curious as someone who was hanging upside down did.

Zetsu thought long and hard about it.

He didn't know whether or not his answer would disappoint his protégé, so he decided to be honest and replied,

"I sit there _**and then take a nap**_."

Tobi looked mildly disappointed.

"That's it?" he asked, "No growing roots or anything?"

"What do you think I look like? _**A plant? **_You idiot,_** I'm not a plant**_," Zetsu protested. He considered dropping Tobi as punishment for his insensitive remark, but Zetsu knew that Tobi was close to the truth.

Every time it rained, he really did want to grow roots.

Zetsu continued trudging along the cave, somewhat happy that Tobi was finally, _blissfully _silent. All he heard from the idiot was the occasional scratching and whining, but that was easily ignored and turned into white-noise. Zetsu had real skills when it came to ignoring things.

Suddenly, Tobi said, "Aha!"

Zetsu, suspicious, stopped in his tracks.

"Eh? _**What is it, you dumb lout**_?"

There was a pit of dread growing in his gut, and Zetsu could only gape when Tobi brandished a single, glowing flower wreathe in his hand. So that's why Tobi was so quiet! He was concentrating!

Although, Zetsu also had a sinking feeling that Tobi plus concentrating equalled something especially heinous…

"Zetsu-san! Look! Looook! I made a flower wreathe for your head!" Tobi proceeded to place the parasitic flowers on top of Zetsu's head. How his idiotic protégé managed to get flowers that were _on the cave floor _was beyond Zetsu, but now Zetsu was sure he looked like a walking lump.

Red boils and black rashes suddenly appeared on his forehead.

Did Zetsu mention that he was allergic to these types of plants?

He dropped Tobi for the second time that day and screeched painfully while trying to rip the flower wreathe off his head. Finally succeeding, Zetsu then fell to the floor in a dead faint, limbs twitching.

Tobi chuckled nervously and rubbed the back of his head.

"Ooops...?"

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There you guys go! XD


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